• Mar 19, 2023
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You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. Be clear about boundaries. Anyway, hope that helps, Rosie. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. Any thoughts? Narc with more baggage than an airport. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. Ready. Well. Just clarifying my thoughts! The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. life sucks. Carry on!! Just wanted to clarify. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. Validation? Yes, a relationship that is inherently bad for you is like an addiction. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). Grudges are a learned response. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. This content does not have an Arabic version. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Narc with more baggage than an airport. grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. But thats just me. Better late than never! It breaks my heart a bit. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". Natalie, this post is food for thought. My bad! There is no sense. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. Or unhealthy? But I will feel better! Precisely! We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. there is so much more to my current world of pain. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. Good luck. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. Thats how people meet. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. So you do. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! Why? Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y I love this site, and you rock, ladies! Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. Wanted to see whats going on. Otherwise, it will burn. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. This has been my biggest weakness! My life has become SO much better since he left. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. Hey, Im working on it. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. . %%EOF Block this idiot. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. So I couldnt. Appreciate you writing this. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. Its also not a dating handbook. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. None of these are likely. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. They think in black-and-white terms. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Ciembithat truly sucks. Believe them. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. CC, I just read your comment. I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. It beggars belief! I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. I feel right about not replying to him. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? I forgive my ex who was abusive. Or immature? How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. 156 0 obj <> endobj Sorta-slow-fade. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. hb```ia eah``l8#Cmw,N I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? I pray he finds what he wants in this life but I realise his divorce messed him up bigtime but it is not my responsibility to fix anyone we make decisions in life and we deal with the consequences. I dont want to be around YOU. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. Right now, I only have the energy to forgive myself. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. I will never contact my mother again. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Lol. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. DONT. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. Its unfair. Ready you should be celebrating! Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. I didnt break her yet?. Stay away. My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). You think. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. And I didnt. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. I will not let this experience defeat me. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I agree 100%! If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. This post is really something to think about. Asses dont tend to use protection. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. He deserves a guilty conscience. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. Please buy it! Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. Its finally over. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. People are so complex. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Not an easy road, but doable. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. *Get a journal. Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. One night the devil made me do it. Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. I said Im sorry!) I still am having to work on that. Closure? Hugs xx. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Again, I was so wrong! My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? I was so wrong. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". What a bullet you dodged. NO! "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. Just stay NC. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Beautiful, Sparkle! I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You won't forgive her. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. On to a better candidate. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Are you a good person? We just cant take anymore! My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. Recovery is exhausting. . Friend Zone at best with this guy. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future.

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difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

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